Maybe baby

Texting today with Mat:

Me: not good at doctor's office. talk later? not pregnant so don't freak about that.

Him: i don't like the sound of that.

Me: well i am not going to die or anything super bad like an std.

Him: good cause i don't like stds.

Me: really? you wouldn't even want herpes?

Him: no but aids would be okay.

Me: damn. can't help you there. hiv?

Him: that's a start.

Me: Oh good. saw lifetime movie about this. now i need to sleep with a football player that has unprotected sex and uses iv drugs.

Him: sounds like a winner!




Today I visited the doctor. I haven't had a real doctor's visit in about five years, so this was a big ordeal for me. I walked in feeling normal, and I walked out with a ton of pamphlets about infertility and polycystic ovarian disease.

I am trying to not freak out. Lots of women have PCOS. Lot's of women get pregnant even after their diagnosis. It's not the end of the world. It's just all the ... added talk. The warning me. The holding my knee and saying, "Hey, medicine advances every day, there are fertility drugs out there." "As soon as your blood work comes back and we know just how badly your hormones are out of whack, we can get started." "You just don't ovulate. It looks like you never really did. How you got pregnant before is a good sign for you, but I'm amazed it happened."

In the car, before I could drive home, I cried big heaping sobs. I couldn't help it. I feel so dramatic and weird about all of it. I could just see the mountain Mat and I will have to climb to have a child, if Mat will even climb with me. What if he ran at the news?

I texted him after I wiped my face off. The conversation left me laughing in the middle of rush hour traffic, but I still dreaded telling him everything.

He called as soon as he got off work, and as we talked, I could feel the anxiety building in my chest, I waited for the part where he said, "I didn't sign on for this, I can't, I'm sorry."

Instead he said, "We'll get through this. We'll have fun trying, and we'll do this. And if we don't? We'll figure it out." All of the we's. We. We. We.

I breathed a hugh sigh of relief, and I said, "All I wanted to hear all day was you saying 'we'."

"This doesn't make me love you any less. In fact, I think I love you a little more."

I have never wanted to hug someone over the phone as much as I wanted to hug that man.



I have never had anything go right the first time. In fact, while my life has been kind of boring, at the same time, plans never work for me. Nothing very good ever happens to me, and I keep waiting ... waiting for something to make this not happen either. I don't know when I'll finally let go, when I'll finally take a deep breath and let it all out, and realize that this man? Loves me more than anyone I've ever met.

"Be ready for the start of amazing things. Things are about to go great for you, and I get to be there for all of it."

Why on earth would I doubt someone that says that to me?